A Little Too Close to Home

Today might be the first day that I feel lonely--not a passing sensation, but a sustained feeling of being far away from those who I know and love. Until now I've been so overwhelmed by the new-ness of everything, by the multitudes of people I'm meeting, by this wonderful and perplexing culture, that I haven't had time to actually recognize these emotions even if they were going on. Just yesterday I felt that I was beginning to find real community here, that I was becoming more than just a visitor or a spectator. The weekend reminded me too much of what I had back in Davidson or Jacksonville, back with all those people who know me so well. That fact reflects quite favorably on the weekend and the formation of relationships through shared experiences. But it doesn't change its effect on me--that in joining this new community, I am reminded of my community back home, and missing it.

So far I have been able to sustain myself emotionally by remaining fairly independent in terms of relationships--my best friends are my American roommates. While I have begun friendships with people here that have the potential to be long and lasting, they have yet to develop into that. Most conversations are quite surface level-- how long am I here for, what work will I be doing, where do I live, etc. When I first started here those questions were great-- people were trying to take an interest in my life and role in the church. But after a while those questions just get old.

Often it seems people have a real interest in knowing more, but they just don't know what questions to ask. I'm in the same boat-- I want to get to know the congregation better but I don't know where to start. Liz, the pastor at Whitehouse, has given me solid direction, setting me up for lunch with different families each Sunday after church, as well as through all the work I'm doing with the church (youth group, Boys Brigade, cross-community lunch club, etc.). When it comes down to it, I need patience. I also need to be more willing to drop my defense mechanisms, to make myself vulnerable, if I am actually going to get to know people well. That takes trust that the Lord is at work in the relationships of my life, which is often times in short supply. This much I have learned so far: only a ruthless trust in the Lord's grace can free me for authentic relationships. That alone will allow me to thrive in this wonderfully complicated place we call Belfast.