The Efficacy of Prayer: Freedom

I have realized quickly that being a leader in the church often means that one must seek spiritual support elsewhere. Even the minister needs to be 'ministered to' by someone, but who? One might go into ministry because one has a strong faith and feels a call to serve, but leading a service every Sunday makes it hard to actually have a worship experience oneself. As in the US, many people here assume that being a leader in the church implies that one does not need to be 'looked-after' spiritually. Liz, the pastor at Whitehouse, understands the danger involved in assumptions such as these, and takes time to be sure she is listening to my concerns and praying for me. But who is praying for her? What if I become a pastor- who will sustain my prayer life, call me out when I need accountability, and encourage me in times of trial?

One result of this questioning has led me to see, more and more, the logic behind marriage, behind having a life partner with whom to share the adventure and the trials of life. But, being single, that doesn't help me much here and now. And while I have no doubt that marriage can be incredible, I dare say that no human will be able to ultimately fulfill my deepest wants and needs. When it comes down to it, the Father is the author of my faith, the Son's sacrifice my accountability, and the Holy spirit my encourager.

I find sometimes that despite the busyness of my life here I can feel intensely lonely. When I cry out to the Lord alone in my room, sometimes I hear no response and I wonder if He listens- if He cares. But there are other desires tugging at my heart- desires to hide from His face, to keep my shame to myself. Truth be told, when push comes to shove I am content in my pride, my self-pity, my addicitons. It is clear that these things will ultimately tear me apart, but my perception is limited to the immediate, the here and now. I fool everyone into thinking that I have it together, rather than actually fight these battles. It is so much easier to keep up appearances!

I wonder why the Lord refuses to come to my aid, and then I realize that I don't really want Him to come. I fear His presence because there my soul is exposed, with all its ugliness, hatred, jealously and addiction. I know that He will not rest until He has rid me of these things, and that is a painful process. But the moment that I recognize the Lord's acceptance of me, despite my Sin, I can begin to let it all go. I begin to taste the freedom I am longing for. I can kneel, not simply out of obedience, but out of gratitude, respect and love. The amazing love of God is slowly teaching me how to kneel, and as hard as it is sometimes, it is good. There, I am free.