Where I Began

Recently I have forced myself to slow down, to take time and reflect on my feelings and experiences. I haven't really been that busy, but my mind does not like to slow down. I like instead to occupy myself with meaningless tasks around the house, avoiding the necessary exercise of prayer and reflection. It means I won't have to confront the fact that I'm leaving, that I am facing a huge transition in my life over the next two months. In short, I'm scared, and I would rather hide my head in the sand than look my fear in face.

Why am I afraid to go home? Maybe its anxiety about finding a job, or trying to reintegrate into American society. Maybe I am scared of how I will see my own country after a year abroad. But I think this anxiety is part of a larger, deeper fear. Truth be told, deep down I am afraid that I will forget this place. Its not a rational fear-- there is no way I could forget Northern Ireland even if I tried! The fear is rooted in the feeling that my life has been on hold-- that someone pressed the "pause" button and I flew off to Belfast for the year. I am terrified that going back home will simply unpause my life, and I'll continue on, right where I left off. I am terrified that I have not been changed by this experience. It scares me because I should be different, I should have learned, I should be changed by this experience. Is my heart really so hard? When it comes down to it I am terrified that I cannot change, that I am stuck with a heart numb to the cries of the world, so loud all around me.

But if there's any message that Jesus tries to communicate, its that change is possible. In fact, change is here: "The Kingdom of God is at hand." How easily I forget the times when God has broken my hard heart! So many times just in the past year He has cut me down to size, and thereby shown me what I could not see before. The Lord has shown me glimpses of His Kingdom here in Belfast, and I cannot be the same. Frederick Beuchner describes the experience: "For a moment it was not the world as it is that I saw but the world as it might be, as something deep within the world wants to be and is preparing to be, the way in darkness a seed prepares for growth, the way leaven works in bread." After these God-given, heart-breaking moments of perspective, I know that I can never be the same.

With this conviction, returning home becomes opportunity instead of fear. Its an opportunity to return to where I began, and see it with new eyes. There is something about growing up in a place that blinds us to its true colors sometimes; there are so many things we wouldn't even think to notice. I notice things like that about Northern Ireland, being a foreigner. But part of reverse culture shock is that one begins to see the same sorts of things about one's own culture, one's own country. Given the perspective that I have gained here in Belfast, it seems I will inevitably struggle with, and be inspired by, the experience of returning home. The Lord's Kingdom vision shines through the cracks in every culture and society. As if my entire experience abroad has not been gift enough, I have been given an even more incredible opportunity: to go back to my homeland, and to see it again for the first time.