Football

Being so close to the 174 Trust is truly a blessing. Some volunteers have to travel long distances for both their church and community center placements. But convenience is just icing on the cake. The best part about it is this: I live in the same neighborhood with the guys who are in the youth club, and they all know it. Being a foreigner means that I am automatically an outsider to their problems and 'Troubles'. Being an American means that I am a privileged outsider at that. Being a Christian means that I'm an uptight, privileged outsider. And that perception is hard to break. So it helps that I live in their neighborhood and walk their streets.

The youth football club is incarnational ministry at its hardest for me. Mention Jesus or the Bible and the guys will either laugh or scatter, depending on their mood and personality. They know that Bill is a pastor-- 'Rev' is one of their favorite nicknames for him-- but they probably wouldn't ever set foot inside a church, whatever the denomination, except perhaps for a wedding or a funeral. It seems that they don't even want to talk about anything serious-- they just want to play football. Or on Monday night, when we take the mini-bus and go for activities in other parts of town, they just want to leave the neighborhood. They'll go for almost anything as long as it involves leaving the streets they see day in and day out.

Its such a trying situation because, while I can see that these guys are searching for meaning in their lives, trying to numb the pain, I can't use words to express my faith. I must do it through my actions, my attitudes, my engagement and interest in their lives. "Preach the gospel at all times, and only if necessary, use words" goes the famous line from St. Francis, the meaning of which I am learning slowly, bit by bit, everyday. Having to preach the Gospel through my actions means that my inability to live like Jesus is constantly exposed. Its like staring into a huge mirror that keeps showing me that I am not patient enough, not loving enough, not challenging enough, not courageous enough, not willing to sacrifice enough.

I have two options when my heart is so exposed. First, I can deny it outright. I can live in intentional ignorance of the fact that I am not up to this task on my own. That doesn't eliminate the reality that I fail--it just causes me to place blame elsewhere...the guys are too demanding, too harsh, they don't listen to a word I say, there's no discipline, no interest in thinking about serious issues or gaining knowledge of the world outside the tiny bubble where they grew up and still live. Much of that may be true. But it is no reason to stop loving, stop being patient, stop challenging them. God didn't stop when I wasn't interested-- what right do I have to stop now?

Which leads to my other option, and that is to fall on Grace, plain and simple. Only Christians have such a beautiful gift. When I lose patience...when I forget why I should even love other people...when I don't feel like giving any more time and effort when it never seems appreciated by those who receive it...when my heart cannot carry the load of caring for these guys who have so much pain and depression just beneath the surface of their smiles...these are the times that I must fall on Grace. I must admit that I do not see with God's eyes, or love with God's heart. I must admit that my standard operating procedure is selfishness. "At this very moment," wrote CS Lewis, "you and I are either committing [selfishness], about to commit it, or repenting from it."

When I fall on Grace, I do not just admit these things, but I recognize, and once again accept, the truth of the Gospel-- that Jesus has paid the price for my selfishness! He promises to change my heart to be more like His. And I can feel and see that change taking place everyday. That is Grace. It is knowledge which softens my heart and strengthens my soul, in order that I may continue loving. It reminds me that other hearts are heavy too, that they yearn for the knowledge of Grace. Thus the extension of that Grace to others must be the central thrust of my life and labor. There is no higher calling.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is a gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." - Ephesians 2:8-10