CPD in Belfast: October 2005

The Efficacy of Prayer: Freedom

I have realized quickly that being a leader in the church often means that one must seek spiritual support elsewhere. Even the minister needs to be 'ministered to' by someone, but who? One might go into ministry because one has a strong faith and feels a call to serve, but leading a service every Sunday makes it hard to actually have a worship experience oneself. As in the US, many people here assume that being a leader in the church implies that one does not need to be 'looked-after' spiritually. Liz, the pastor at Whitehouse, understands the danger involved in assumptions such as these, and takes time to be sure she is listening to my concerns and praying for me. But who is praying for her? What if I become a pastor- who will sustain my prayer life, call me out when I need accountability, and encourage me in times of trial?

One result of this questioning has led me to see, more and more, the logic behind marriage, behind having a life partner with whom to share the adventure and the trials of life. But, being single, that doesn't help me much here and now. And while I have no doubt that marriage can be incredible, I dare say that no human will be able to ultimately fulfill my deepest wants and needs. When it comes down to it, the Father is the author of my faith, the Son's sacrifice my accountability, and the Holy spirit my encourager.

I find sometimes that despite the busyness of my life here I can feel intensely lonely. When I cry out to the Lord alone in my room, sometimes I hear no response and I wonder if He listens- if He cares. But there are other desires tugging at my heart- desires to hide from His face, to keep my shame to myself. Truth be told, when push comes to shove I am content in my pride, my self-pity, my addicitons. It is clear that these things will ultimately tear me apart, but my perception is limited to the immediate, the here and now. I fool everyone into thinking that I have it together, rather than actually fight these battles. It is so much easier to keep up appearances!

I wonder why the Lord refuses to come to my aid, and then I realize that I don't really want Him to come. I fear His presence because there my soul is exposed, with all its ugliness, hatred, jealously and addiction. I know that He will not rest until He has rid me of these things, and that is a painful process. But the moment that I recognize the Lord's acceptance of me, despite my Sin, I can begin to let it all go. I begin to taste the freedom I am longing for. I can kneel, not simply out of obedience, but out of gratitude, respect and love. The amazing love of God is slowly teaching me how to kneel, and as hard as it is sometimes, it is good. There, I am free.

A Little Too Close to Home

Today might be the first day that I feel lonely--not a passing sensation, but a sustained feeling of being far away from those who I know and love. Until now I've been so overwhelmed by the new-ness of everything, by the multitudes of people I'm meeting, by this wonderful and perplexing culture, that I haven't had time to actually recognize these emotions even if they were going on. Just yesterday I felt that I was beginning to find real community here, that I was becoming more than just a visitor or a spectator. The weekend reminded me too much of what I had back in Davidson or Jacksonville, back with all those people who know me so well. That fact reflects quite favorably on the weekend and the formation of relationships through shared experiences. But it doesn't change its effect on me--that in joining this new community, I am reminded of my community back home, and missing it.

So far I have been able to sustain myself emotionally by remaining fairly independent in terms of relationships--my best friends are my American roommates. While I have begun friendships with people here that have the potential to be long and lasting, they have yet to develop into that. Most conversations are quite surface level-- how long am I here for, what work will I be doing, where do I live, etc. When I first started here those questions were great-- people were trying to take an interest in my life and role in the church. But after a while those questions just get old.

Often it seems people have a real interest in knowing more, but they just don't know what questions to ask. I'm in the same boat-- I want to get to know the congregation better but I don't know where to start. Liz, the pastor at Whitehouse, has given me solid direction, setting me up for lunch with different families each Sunday after church, as well as through all the work I'm doing with the church (youth group, Boys Brigade, cross-community lunch club, etc.). When it comes down to it, I need patience. I also need to be more willing to drop my defense mechanisms, to make myself vulnerable, if I am actually going to get to know people well. That takes trust that the Lord is at work in the relationships of my life, which is often times in short supply. This much I have learned so far: only a ruthless trust in the Lord's grace can free me for authentic relationships. That alone will allow me to thrive in this wonderfully complicated place we call Belfast.

The sanctuary at Whitehouse, from the back pew.

Whitehouse Church, which just re-opened this year after an arson attack in 2002 destroyed the historic sanctuary.

Surfing the North Coast

Yes, that's right, two days ago I was looking good in my wet-suit (pictures forthcoming), staring at the biggest waves I've ever attempted to ride. I was in the coastal town of Portrush with around fifty youth and leaders from Whitehouse Presbyterian Church, away for a weekend retreat. The surf was easily six feet, approaching eight or nine on the bigger waves, and I was stunned. Of all the things I expected to learn here in Northern Ireland--patience, humility, how to handle responsibility, how to better adapt to foreign cultures--surfing was not on the list. But the Lord moves in mysterious ways, that much is certain.

The youth were from different groups connected to the church--Contact Club (youth group), Boys' Brigade and Girls' Brigade (similar to scouts in the US)--and so everyone (like me) had many names to learn. We played hilarious games, sung praise songs, pursued a scavenger hunt all around the small vacation town, and generally had a great time getting to know one another. For someone like me, attempting to become a part of a community in a foreign culture, the weekend was a huge boost. The youth seemed very accepting of new leaders, and I feel like I'm connecting with lots of the guys already (some late night missions involving pillow fighting may have helped). One week ago I led my first youth group meeting, planning the games and songs and giving a short talk at the end. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was a visitor--a welcome one, but a visitor nonetheless. This weekend helped to solidify the reality, perhaps for the youth but definitely for me, that I'll be more than a visitor for the next year. I feel the beginnings of real friendships forming, and I see small but encouraging signs that I am starting to become part of this community.

Already I see opportunities for growth and ways that I can contribute to the church's mininstries. Some of those possibilities are (as always) simply delusions of grandeur, while others are actually talents that I may be able to offer. Of course the first problem is discerning between the two. The second, related problem is actually being able to see my talents as gifts--undeserved abilities generously bestowed upon us all, that we may, in some miniscule way, use them for the Glory of God. Even with the slightest hint of "success," my pride takes over. I forget so easily that God is the master builder, the ultimate author of changed hearts and transformed communities.

I am simply a worker for his Kingdom, and in that I can find liberation. Because of that I can go to work everyday knowing that the Lord has tasks prepared for me, confident that he will work good despite (and through) my failures. In His grand scheme my idea of success or failure means very little, for my perception is so very limited. All I can do is trust--trust that all He asks of me, He will provide in himself. So far the Lord has been supremely faithful in that promise, and I have no reason to doubt things will change now.